Legacy.

I think I'm a little bit 'life-sick' tonight.

It could be that it's the night before I have to go back to work for the start of the school year. Or that I just spoke to my friend who recently married and moved to the other side of Australia. Thanks to the wonder of modern technology, I could see her and talk to her in real time. I got a tour of the house they're staying in, and watched a Western Australian sun set. And then I spoiled the Australian Open Men's Final for her by telling her that Federer had won. Thanks to a 3 hour time difference, she didn't know that.

And then I read some of the most amazing blog posts I've seen in a long time. About love, and the dawn of a new time, when there's a baby to arrive soon. The excitement and joy and magic of this time is all a bit overwhelming. And it's not even me experiencing it.

Personally, I feel overwhelmed at where I am right now in my own life. This time last year, I was anticipating my new job and marvelling at the changes to come. 2009 didn't go so well and it became a year of horrors that led to psychiatric evaluations and hospitals, medication and intensive treatments. For a long time, I was suicidal. There are moments I wish I could take away, pain I wish I could have spared and decisions that were simply stupid. There's a lot of regrets.

And as to any other story, there's the other side. The simple fact that I am here. Standing firm in the knowledge that I know who I am, I know my limitations, and I know that I'm not that person any more. I've dealt with my crap, and I'm ready to start my life in the way I want.

The trauma. The pain. It's not ever going to go away altogether. There will always be a well of stuff that I don't want to face. Or explanations I will explain to those that know, and both don't know, me, at all.

But of all the things I have overcome there's one thing I'm most proud of. The 24 hour, 7 days a week erratic running commentary in my head ceased all those months ago. I CAN THINK. I finally have peace in my own mind - I don't feel as tired as I once did, exhausted from analysing every little situation. I don't feel like I'm on some kind of drug or opiate as I once did.

Most of all, I think I'm ready to start a relationship. Maybe I might finally get the courage up to tell that person that I've liked them in *that* way ever since I knew him. And that maybe if he's not taken, it would be great to have a chance. To explain that the reason I could never do anything in that direction was because I was too damned screwed up, so terrified it would happen again- that any thought or situation had me running scared. Maybe it's all too late. Sigh.

Babe, you know who you are. And I am so into you. I always have been. I just can't be the one to take the first step.

This is the bastard of abuse. It's legacy lasts a lifetime. In ways you can't see, you can't touch, but to such an extent that it severely alters the victims psyche forever.

And so, tomorrow is a chance to begin again.

I'm ready.

Dandenong Show 2009

These bootees won 3rd prize in the Bootees section. They are knitted in a 4 ply variegated yarn, pattern taken from "Simple Knits for Cherished Babies".

'Sean' the sheep won 3rd prize in the knitted/crocheted toy section:


Sean's hobbies include blogging and stamp collecting. He is an avid fan of Ghost Hunters, Grand Designs and the National Geographic channel. He loves long walks on the beach, and currently resides in his luxury penthouse apartment on top of the TV. In the colder months, he spends his time at his country folly, again, on top of the TV.

The rug that my Aunty F and I have been working on all year, won 1st prize in it's section. More on this rug later.